Before I start this blog, I need to say that the intention is to foster better understanding and compassion for boys and men who are often treated as if they have no feelings because they have to live up to a long-standing, outdated male standard. I want to try and change that narrative, but some of what you’re going to read might rub you the wrong way. Just bear with me so we can find solutions together.
So first, let’s talk about Male Toxicity…defined as exaggerated and unhealthy masculine traits that men and boys take on because of societal expectation and pressure. A few examples…being tough, unemotional, and anti-feminine e.g. if you’re sensitive then you’re a sissy or weak. Male toxicity glorifies the chest-beating behavior and the idea that “boys will be boys”.
Then there’s Male Fragility…the state of anxiety that occurs when men feel disempowered due to cultural changes. Women’s growing independence, for one, has led to a dramatic shift in traditional roles. Although women have evolved with the times, men (some, not all) have not kept up or just downright refuse to adjust.
It makes sense if you look at it this way. It used to be that if you were born male, you were just automatically entitled. Being a guy meant you instantly had more power and privilege. This is still very much the case in various places around the world where men rule and women are second class citizens. But let’s just focus on the U.S. for now. What’s been happening with boys and men here is troubling. Because of this perceived disempowerment and loss of the patriarchy, there’s resentment, anger and blame. And I have to point out that white men and boys are particularly impacted because they’ve been at the very tippy top of the totem pole for so very long. White male privilege is for real. That’s why we see so much push back right now from certain groups in this political season.
Now the harsh side of me, especially the woman of color side who has struggled with being near or at the bottom of the totem pole throughout my life, wants to pull out the world’s smallest violin and say, “Well boys, how does it feel to be in our shoes for once?”
But, the compassionate side wants to unpack the male fragility/toxicity issue in order to find ways to help cultivate better understanding and, perhaps, reprogram young boys in order to break the cycle. As a college professor who has had many young men in my classes, I’ve dealt with the conflict and angst that consumes some of them. Many choose to internalize their feelings, but some lash out like a wounded animal. One former student epitomized white male privilege by accusing me in a course evaluation of saying “racist and prejudicial comments targeted at students”. He didn’t back up that claim with even one example. What I discovered later was that he found it offensive that we had honest, factual discussions about race in our journalism course and he took offense as a white male. This experience gave me a glimpse into how truly fragile some males have become because of growing insecurity about their identity and position in society.
Remember the “Barbie” movie? The character “Ken” morphs into an unbearable egomaniac after he discovers the power of a male-dominated society in the real world where men can get whatever they want without really trying as long as they act manly. But soon, Ken realizes that trying to live up to certain masculine expectations is actually exhausting and kinda stupid.
So here’s what could help curb male toxicity/fragility:
Boys need to be raised with less pressure to always “man up” no matter what and more freedom to express themselves without the fear of ridicule.
Stop using the “boys will be boys” idiom as an excuse for shitty behavior. Bullying is such a HUGE problem and has become normalized because of social media and a certain former U.S. President.
Media needs to stop glorifying male characters who are overly tough, aggressive, insensitive and ruthless.
Media also needs to let up on over-emasculating men by creating characters who are incompetent, child-like, lazy and mistreated in an absurd way by women.
Men need to stop feeling threatened by the shift in male/female roles and, instead, see it as added value. Women are half the population so tapping into us as equal and valuable resources is the smart thing to do!
Girls and women need to stop sending mixed messages to boys and men. Don’t say you want someone “nice”, but then go for the “bad boy”. It’s confusing. Boys and men come in all shapes, sizes, colors, personalities, social status, experiences etc. so let’s be less judgemental and more open minded. The guys who feel rejected and isolated really need to be shown some compassion and understanding.
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